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Smile-breaks

What th'???

     Okay. So the renewal policy for my homeowner's insurance came in the mail with another envelope. The second envelope held an "Important Notice Regarding Your New Homeowners Policy." I actually read all 10 pages of the thing. Don't ask me why. Must've been super bored. But I have to say it was worth it—it gave me the first laugh out loud I've had in a long time. You'll see why if you don't abandon me here.

     Right on page one of the readout was the red-lettered heading-also underlined in red-"REDUCTIONS OR ELIMINATIONS OF COVERAGE." You can tell they want to keep my business.

     Neither wild bears nor deer—I speak facetiously—could keep me from reading further. It was on page two at "Section 1—Losses Not Insured" that I encountered the animals. Should, heaven forbid, "all animals, birds or insects" cause losses to my personal property, coverage for all damages would be excluded. This assertion was followed by naming every conceivable type of damage these animals, birds or insects could cause and would not be covered. Except. . .

     Aha! An exception! "An exception to this exclusion is if the loss is caused by wild bears or deer." I burst out laughing—a rare occurrence when reading the fine print of an insurance policy I have to say. Wild bears?! Deer? What about tame bears? Are there such things? I guess circus bears might be considered tame. . . Zoo bears? Hey! Maybe your neighbor has a pet bear. If so, I hope it's tame.

     Be forewarned—if that tame bear tears up your furniture, it won't be covered. Um, paid for. Only if it's a wild bear can you replace it compliments of your friendly insurance company. So if there be bears in your neighborhood, be sure they're wild. Otherwise, run them out—or at least keep them away from your personal property.

     Deer?  Looks like they can be wild or tame to be covered. Deer are deer. The policy doesn't specify. Either way, they're excepted from the exclusion. Damages by deer are covered. No problem.

     Why? Why? I asked myself. Do wild bears and deer have strong lobbyists in the insurance industry? Hard to picture a wild bear talking insurance with a lobbyist. Maybe some Senators have a wild love of bears—oops! a love of wild bears—and pressed the insurance companies for the exception. Maybe there's a wild bear fan club in Alaska, featuring the cuddly—but wild—creatures on Instagram and Facebook.

     The deer I understand. They're such lovable creatures, especially those does with the large soft brown-eyes and their frolicky spotted fawns. Of course they can damage your property, insurance will pay. Maybe not so much the bucks, although some people are impressed by their majestic antlers—which by the way, can do a lot of damage. Deer damage. Covered.

     Deer can't tweet—at least as far as I know—so they must have an "in" with an influential nonprofit or an insurance magnate. Maybe a unique underwriter. But they can't talk, so how would that happen?

     I'm serious. I'm not making this up. Wild bears and deer. I leave you with this note: when it comes to insurance, you never know what's covered unless you read every word of the fine print. Wild bears and deer. Oh me, oh my.

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